Curious Kate: Truthseeker Extraordinare

“Compassion will cure more sins than condemnation.” ~ Henry Ward Beecher

CK: Hi Papa, it’s me, Kate.❤

Papa: Hello my beautiful Katie child. ❤

CK: You always know how to put a smile on my face, but I’m not feeling so beautiful right now.

Papa: Oh? Why is that?

CK: Well, to be honest, I’m feeling pretty angry inside.

Papa: Tell Papa what’s going on?

CK: Tom and I have had another blow-out. He is just so stubborn. He only sees things through his own perspective.

Papa: Really?

CK: It’s true. His seems to be the only opinion that is acceptable. The sad thing is, this isn’t even about us. It’s about our friends Bruce and Patti.

Papa: Go on.

CK: Their marriage is in trouble and Tom is taking Bruce’s side, and Bruce is the one who is in the wrong.

Papa: Why do you say that?

CK: Well, he had an affair.

Papa: That is serious. Give me details.

CK: You know the details.

Papa: Yes, but I need you to tell me how Tom sees it and how you see it. Remember, the problem you came to me with is between you and Tom.

CK: Oh, okay. Well anyway, I say cheating on your spouse is unacceptable. Period.

Papa: I agree. How does Tom “see” it?

CK: He says it is not up to us to judge because we really don’t know what is going on, and he feels sorry for Bruce. He says that even Bruce admits he doesn’t know how this happened. This is not how he pictured his life turning out. All he knows is that for the “first time in his life,” he feels “alive and in charge.” What a load of crap.

Papa: So does Tom side with him or is he trying to be understanding of the situation?

CK: Well, I guess to be specific, understanding, but isn’t that the same thing?

Papa: Depends on his reasoning. Why does Tom feel that Bruce deserves understanding?

CK: That’s what I don’t get. It just makes my blood boil! There is no excuse for betraying one’s spouse.

Papa: I agree, but what do you suppose is behind Bruce’s actions?

Papa: I don’t know. Does it really matter? Sin is sin is sin, and last time I checked, adultery was still on the top 10 list.

God: Kate, are you perfect?

CK: Well, no, but I would certainly never do anything like that.

Papa: Kate, do I love you even when you are at your “ugliest?”

CK: Yes

Papa: And I love Bruce, as well. I cannot and would not ever condone his actions, yet I will never stop loving him or write him off, either. Now, tell me what you do know about Bruce.

CK: Well, I know that he came from a good Christian background. His family members were church-goers. I even know Bruce and Patti were virgins when they got married, so there can’t be a lot of baggage there (“at least not the kind I brought into my marriage,” CK thought to herself).

Papa: Hmmm. Interesting that you thought that up. So you have legitimate reasons for the way you act toward Tom at times – like not giving him the benefit of the doubt when he messes up or not trusting him when he comes home late and doesn’t call – because you learned not to trust others; you were “betrayed” too times. That’s your reasoning, right?

CK: Well, I guess I never saw the connection before.  You are right as usual, but this really isn’t about me.

Papa: It isn’t?

CK: Well, maybe I am a little sensitive about this particular subject, but that still doesn’t justify Bruce’s actions.

Papa: I didn’t say it did. What I am saying is that maybe Tom sees something you do not. Maybe Tom is able to be more compassionate because he understands how someone’s upbringing or life experiences can affect their words and actions – and their ability to give and receive love.

CK: Are we talking about me or Bruce now?

Papa: You already know the answer to that question, Katie. Now, tell me more about Bruce.

CK: Well like I said, Bruce was brought up in a “religious” family. He did everything right. He and Patti were high school sweethearts. He was involved in his youth group in high school and graduated as valedictorian. He went on to law school – followed in his father’s footsteps. Although, as I recall, his dad kind of badgered him into that. He really wanted to be a teacher, but it didn’t command a high enough “dollar figure.” His dad was a little weird that way. Bruce and Patti even went on that mission trip to Honduras that Tom and I took a couple of years ago. He said it was a good thing to do. Actually, I think he did it just to build up his public image.

Papa: Kate?

CK: Yes?

Papa: What have I told you about judging others?

CK: That only you know the motive of one’s heart. I get it. Anyway, other than that, we have been friends for a very long time. They just seemed like the perfect couple: perfect kids, perfect house, perfect jobs, perfect vacations. It just seemed all so perfect. If envy weren’t a sin, I’d have envied them.

Papa: So, would you say Bruce was a perfectionist?

CK: Well, actually, now that you mention it, probably. But Patti seemed okay with it. Anyway, what does Bruce being a perfectionist have to do with it?

Papa: You see, Kate, all Bruce’s life, he has lived by someone else’s standards, including the need to be the perfect son, the perfect husband, and the perfect father. And Patti came to expect that, as well. In fact, she began to demand it. And she didn’t realize she was doing it, either.  In Bruce’s law firm, appearances become of utmost importance.

What you don’t know is that when Bruce was growing up, his father loved him when he did good and pulled away from him when he did not meet his expectations. That’s the way Bruce’s grandfather raised Bruce’s father. Do you think that is the way real love works?

CK: Not your kind of love. I know you love me no matter what.

Papa: Exactly. Even I do not expect perfection. Bruce simply could not take the pressure of having to be perfect anymore and he just snapped. He found in this new friend someone who accepted him just the way he was. He didn’t have to be perfect. In actuality, this person could see what was going on and just appreciated the pain that Bruce was in. She sympathized with him and he mistook her concern for love. She, too, was in a vulnerable position, coming out of an abusive relationship. And one thing led to another and the seventh commandment took a back seat to human need and emotion.

CK: Well, I guess I can understand all of that and why it all happened, but…

Papa: Katie, when I created humankind, I created them for one purpose – to love and be loved. It is the desire and the need I plant in each child’s heart – to be in relationship with me and with one another. But when sin entered the world, everything became distorted. The pure and deep love and affection I envisioned between my children became in some situations a selfish desire, where having one’s needs fulfilled became more important than loving another, where wanting to be understood took precedence over wanting to understand, where judgment became more important than compassion, and where expectations put conditions on love.

CK: The “what’s in it for me?” syndrome we’ve talked about.

Papa: Exactly. My love is always about what’s in it for the one I love and for us, never about self. Love is the most powerful of all the emotions I had created.  It is at the heart of all that is important to me.  And yet, when that emotional need for love, as beautiful as I had created it to be, becomes an excuse for intimacy and sex at any cost, well, that’s another discussion, but let’s just say the cost paid only keeps on costing, unless the truth is sought out.

CK: I wish you could talk to Bruce. You make everything seem so simple, Papa. I bet he doesn’t even understand any of this. And neither does Patti.

Papa: I would if he felt he could come to me. But he doesn’t trust me, either. He learned that love was conditional. And in his church, sin is sin is sin, and the only way you were a good Christian and pleasing to me is when working toward perfection. His church had no place for people who deviated from the “righteous path.” There was right and wrong and that was it. Period.

So, knowing the whole truth, do you still see Bruce as the same bad guy you did before?

CK: How could I? It seems nothing in their lives was really perfect. They have no idea what is going on. At least I know I can always come to you. Even if I am having a hissy fit, you’ll patiently listen and tell me what I need to know because you love me, no matter what. And I am sorry for being so judgmental. I know it is not my place. Is there anything I can do for Bruce?

Papa: Not right now. He knows in his heart what he is doing isn’t okay, yet the pain of the past hinders the truth from surfacing – right now anyway. Your understanding will go a long way toward bringing him to a place in his journey where he will be able to face the reality of what is, when he can trust me to help.

CK: Can I share this with Patti??

Papa: Not yet. Her wounds are too fresh, and her anger will not permit the truth to penetrate her pride right now. Just be a good friend and listen. Do not, and I repeat, do not condemn or put Bruce down in any way, for it might disallow a reconciliation if and when the truth begins to surface. What you can do is point Patti and Bruce toward me. Share your experience of our relationship and desire for all my children to be happy and whole. They will listen to you.  They know of your deep faith. Just let them know how much I love them and want to help them. When they’re ready, I will always be here waiting. I have all the time in the world.

CK: You’re funny, Papa. But, really, I do understand what you are saying. I just wish I could figure this stuff out on my own before I get my underwear in a bunch.

Papa: You’re learning, and I am always here to help you see with my eyes and love with my heart. 😍

My dearest Katie, you know how much I love you, as I love all my children. And you are always beautiful to me, for you are a daughter after her Papa’s heart.

CK: I love you too, Papa. Thanks for being patient with me.

Papa: You are welcome my child. Always.

Point to Ponder:  Only God can judge the human heart.  And He is willing to give us as many do-overs as we need to find our way back to Him.  Are we willing to allow others this same gift?

Challenge: Think of someone who rubs you the wrong way.  Make it a point to offer them an encouraging word or compliment this week and see what happens.  Share if you’d like on my Share Your Thoughts page.

When Jesus had raised Himself up and saw no one but the woman, He said to her, “Woman, where are those accusers of yours? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more.”